Throughout the years of our family's history -- from the middle 1970s, when Cathy and I were first coming to know each other, until the present time -- a consistent thread has woven itself into the fabric of our lives. Simply expressed, this theme can be described as an ever-growing confidence that our Heavenly Father knows our needs more fully than we know them, loves us more than we love ourselves, and has at His disposal an infinite storehouse of good gifts, each of them carefully crafted by His loving hands so that it might fit perfectly into a specific life.

Each human being born on earth is faced with a rather stark choice -- that of doing things his (or her) own way or God's way. The former pathway leads to confusion, frustration, and eternal separation from Him; the latter provides for its traveler such benefits as guidance, provision, and eternal life.

Of course, the most crucial decision that can possibly be made by an individual is that of welcoming or rejecting Jesus, the Son of God, who has laid down His life as a sacrifice for each person who has ever lived -- or will ever live. Yet, in addition to this monumental choice, each human being has the privilege of making several others, including those that touch upon the practical facets of everyday life, from relationships to finances to physical and emotional well-being.

While reflecting upon this theme, I concluded that it is one that needs to be presented, by means of concrete illustrations, on the pages of this website. With great delight, I realized that Mark, the third-eldest of our 14 "team" members, had, during the years of his latter teens and early twenties, taken the time to place into written form many of his reflections upon this subject. At my request, he has furnished a three or four of them for use in this space, each of which appears below.

Rick Arndt (Dad)

(Note: Family Room members may access a number of additional articles penned by Mark. These articles appear in the Mark's Remarks section of the Family Room.)

        "Just You Wait" (Written in early 2008)   

        "Why Wait" (Written in late 2003)

        "And While You Wait" (Written in late 2003)

        "Single-Minded" (Written in early 2005)

        "What I Look For" (Written in early 2005)

        About These Articles

        Contacting Mark

    I've actually found this to be one of my most difficult articles to write.  Not so much because of the subject matter, but because I've had a hard time figuring out the best approach to the topic.  I wanted to write about physical purity, about saving sex for marriage -- topics of enormous importance.  However, whenever I would try to open a file and write the reasons to save sex for marriage, I would find that the article would end abruptly, simply because the main reason to save sex is so simple.  God said so.  And, really, that should be good enough for any of us.
    Though I had a bunch of additional thoughts on the subject, I didn't want to cheapen it by adding additional reasons.  To me, it felt like writing a long article about the reasons for not stealing.  True, there are dozens and dozens of good reasons not to steal, but to list them would take attention away from the bottom line -- that stealing is wrong.
    However, as I thought about it, I realized that to only emphasize not having sex before marriage is only half of the picture.  The word "abstinence," while accurate, has always struck me as a little dry and colorless.  All it brings to my mind is an image of doing nothing, of abstaining, of saying no.  However, every negative implies a positive.  Sometimes I think we only focus on the negative side of things -- that is, what we shouldn't do -- instead of focusing on what positive things are implied by it. 
    Abstinence is, of course, a wonderful thing, and something I'm strongly in favor of.  However, I think sometimes we forget that it isn't only about saying no, only about waiting, only about not doing something.  The flip side is something wonderful and beautiful, something that makes me want to save it, not only because it is the right thing to do, but because it is something that thrills my heart to think about!

    When I used to think about how far to go physically before marriage, I would basically see it as a speed limit -- that is, how fast I could go without breaking the law.  However, the more I ponder how beautiful, how awe-inspiring, how overwhelmingly worthwhile it would be to save myself for my wedding day, the more my thoughts flip from how far I can go without crossing the line to how much I can save and store for marriage.  I have found that, as my heart falls deeper in love with the overarching idea of purity, the focus has shifted from figuring out exactly where the line is to figuring out how much I can set aside and store for that one special girl who will someday own my heart.
    Brace yourself for this part.  Personally, this attitude has led me to be very open to the idea of saving even kissing for marriage.  Wait!  Don't faint.  It's really not that crazy of an idea!  Just take a moment, breathe in, then out, and prepare to hear more.
    I want to save kissing until I am married.  I want to wait for the right girl, and then when we find each other, I want to wait until our wedding day before we kiss each other.  The whole idea of doing this seemed extreme to me not all that long ago, but now that I've truly considered it and prayed about it, it's something I'm actually excited about doing!

    Now, occasionally when people hear about this idea of mine, they misunderstand what I'm saying and think that I'm somehow implying that I think kissing before marriage is wrong and that every couple should not kiss until they're married.  That's not what I intend to say at all.  The goal of this article isn't to debate and determine exactly where the line between permissible and promiscuous lies, nor is the goal so much to draw attention to myself or to my own guideline.  
    As I've had the joy of talking with my brothers and my friends about these topics over the years, I realize that in so many ways we share the exact same attitude toward purity and marriage, yet each of us, based on our own individual strengths, weaknesses, personalities, tendencies, et cetera, will probably come up with a slightly different guideline; we probably won't all draw the line at the exact same place.  Our guidelines will differ not because we disagree; it's actually because we agree.  Just as it is the same electricity that powers a whole host of different appliances in different ways -- it lights a lamp, boots up a laptop, warms a toaster, and causes a ceiling fan to spin -- this same heart and attitude toward purity can result in different guidelines for different people.
    So the idea of this article is not so much to extol the virtues of, say, a ceiling fan spinning.  That, I think, would miss the point.  Rather, I'd like to share with you the electricity behind it (which, yes, in my case, causes my fan to spin!).  I would simply like to use my idea of saving even kissing for marriage, and my reasons behind it, as an illustration for the overall idea, the heart and the heartbeat, behind saving yourself for marriage.

    The crux of my idea is this.  I want to save my entire self -- my heart, my affection, my commitment, my body -- for the girl I am going to someday marry.  Rather than giving pieces of my heart to many different girls, I want to give my whole heart to one girl, the one and only that I am to spend the rest of my life with.  Instead of being like a hunter with a shotgun, firing bullets in every direction -- wounding many but capturing none -- I want to wait for the one and only, and then, like a sniper, fire one well-timed and well-placed bullet.  My whole heart.  All for one.
    Simply put, I only want to kiss my own wife.  I want to kiss her and nobody else; I don't want to kiss other peoples' wives.  Most people would probably agree that that is a perfectly healthy, natural, and even commendable attitude to have.  Being committed to only kissing your own spouse is nothing earth-shaking, extreme, or abnormal.  Practically all married men and women have made this commitment and have stuck with it, and I'm simply one of them.
    See, we already know who I want to kiss -- my wife.  The only question remaining is when.  And for a number of reasons, I want it to be at the altar.

    Since I'm so passionate about only kissing my own wife, I figure the best way to make sure of that is to not kiss a girl until she is my wife.  I know from experience that it isn't always easy to know who the right person is.  I've been wrong before, so I know I can be wrong again.  A few times in the past I have been absolutely convinced that a particular girl was the right one, only to be stunned to find out that I was completely wrong.  Suppose I was dating someone who I truly thought could be the right person, so as we fell for each other, we kissed.  But then later it turns out that we weren't right for each other, and we broke up.  Then I would have kissed somebody I am not going to marry -- somebody else's wife, a wife other than my own.  And I do not want to do that.

    Also, I think that this is a tangible way that I can prove to my future girlfriend that I love and respect her.  With each missed opportunity I'd be saying, "Yes, believe me, I want to, but I love you enough to wait for it."  It's so easy to say that you love someone, but this is a way to back up any statements of love with love.
    I think it also demonstrates that it's not just her body I'm after.  It shows that I'm willing to commit to only her for my entire life without having even "sampled" her -- that my love and devotion for her are sufficient even without that.

    Now, people can say -- and they're absolutely right -- that if I don't make a practice of kissing before I am married, I'm probably going to be a lousy kisser when I am married.  The truth is, though, that I'm fine with that!  I don't want to be good at it!  I want to require lots and lots of practice after we are married!  We'll learn together.  I don't want to know how to kiss anybody but my wife.  I don't want kissing to be a transferable skill for me.  I want any expertise I will acquire in this area to be customized only for her.

    One other reason I'd like to save kissing for our wedding day is because I think it will add more significance and strength to our marriage.  I want our wedding to be more than an exchange of rings and an excuse to have a party; I want it to really mean something deeper.  On that day, I want us to cross a fiery line, a line that makes big changes in us when we cross it.
    Sadly, I think one reason marriages fall apart is because the couple "acts married" -- to put it delicately -- before they are married.  Then when they are married, they find that it's not much different.  It reminds me of people who have opened their Christmas presents early, played with them a while, but then, just to be official, they re-wrap them and stick them back under the tree to open at Christmas.  When Christmas comes, they re-open the presents and may ask themselves, "This is it?  Why do people make such a big deal out of Christmas?"  If the privileges of marriage are permitted outside of marriage, then I think it takes away the incentive to stay married.  If marriage wasn't something to be respected and revered before the wedding, why should it be afterwards?
    I want our wedding to be a solemn passage, a significant, life-changing moment in our lives.  I want there to be a big difference between the unmarried us and the married us.  I want the people to see that the altar alters us.  When we're married, we go from being two separate people -- a boyfriend and a girlfriend, a fiance and a fiancee -- to being one married couple.  We go from being two people who didn't kiss each other to two people who are going to kiss up a storm.  Big difference.
    When the preacher says, "You may now kiss the bride," I want it to be more than a formality.  After we cross that fiery line, we prove the difference by kissing, something that we didn't do beforehand.  I want the fiery line we cross to forever melt us together, and make us inseparable because of it.

    I think that perhaps the central reason that I want to save kissing for marriage actually has nothing to do with kissing itself.  The most important reason, I think, is because it helps insulate us from temptation.  It puts a buffer zone between us and sin.  Let me put it delicately: you can't cross home plate if you don’t go to first base.  The best way to avoid falling into the Grand Canyon is to stay out of Arizona.
    Sometimes people think that this idea of mine, while perhaps thoughtful and sincere, is simply not realistic.  Personally, though, I think it is actually based on a very realistic view of love and sex.  The truth is, I know that the phrase "sex appeal" is not an oxymoron.  Of course it is appealing, of course it is tempting.  I'm realistic enough to know that I am weak to temptation -- just as weak as anyone else, if not more so.  What would be unrealistic, in my opinion, is to think that I could get so close to something so attractive and appealing without being in serious danger of giving in completely.  Maybe other people have more willpower than I do, but I don't think I could go to Pizza Hut and only smell the pizza.  To me, that's too close.
    I make this decision, not because I think I'm so strong or so pure, but actually for the opposite reason.  It is precisely because I know how weak and imperfect I am, how impure I am and my motives can be, that I want to leave a wide margin between me and the sin.

    I have personally seen way too many people fall.  I have seen couples that I greatly admired and respected -- and still do -- who have caved in to temptation.  They didn't intend to give in -- in fact, they very much intended not to give in -- and yet, somehow it just happened.  And if they can fall despite good intentions, I know I certainly could.
    It doesn't necessarily ruin their lives or their marriages, but I do know that many of them regret it so intensely.  So many kick themselves and say, "If only we waited a few more months, if only we had resisted!  If only."  My heart aches for those couples who gave in before marriage -- perhaps just once -- who have to suffer the memories and consequences their whole lives.  They can never tell people that they made it across the finish line.  Although God can forgive their sins, they still have to reap the bitter harvest.  It puts a damper on their wedding night.  It taints what should be delicious.  It ruins what should be wonderful.
    I don't want there to be any chance of that happening to me and my future bride.  I want to be able to enjoy our wedding night without shame or sadness.  I don't even want there to be a possibility that we fall into sin.  And I'm not just doing this for myself; I'm doing it also to guard my future wife's heart.  If we cave in, she is going to be devastated, too.  And even though I don't know her name yet, I already love her enough to want to never let that happen to her.
    If I love her so much now, I can only imagine what it'll be like when I actually know her.  I want to do everything I can to guard her against heartbreak, to let her know that she is worth waiting for, to make her as happy as possible when we are married.  Sure, I will benefit greatly from this, but I can set that aside.  What should, and I hope truly does, motivate me is the thought that I am doing this for her.
    And this is looking way ahead, but I'm also doing it for my future kids.  By doing it God's way and making marriage a prerequisite for sex, it is physically impossible for a baby to be conceived out of wedlock.  There are many things that I won't be able to guarantee my kids.  Life can be so unpredictable.  Jobs fall through, money can be tight, surprises -- joyful and sorrowful -- are bound to happen.  But by respecting God's boundary, I am guaranteeing that any sons and daughters that come into my life will have the structure and security of having two very-in-love, forever-committed parents.  Two parents who are "stuck" together, who have just sworn in front of hundreds of people that they are going to be faithful to each other their whole lives.

    To think how much more special the waiting will make our first kiss!  I will actually be able to look my bride right in her lovely eyes and say, "I was willing to wait for you and you alone, and you were worth waiting for."
    I think sometimes people forget that this isn't giving something up; it's saving something.  I like to use this analogy.  If every day for three years, I was given an extra dollar to spend on whatever I wanted, then I would have a bunch of tiny, indistinct pleasures.  But what if instead I decided not to spend the daily dollar and decided to save it instead?  Then after three years, suddenly I would have a thousand extra dollars!  Wouldn't that be exciting!
    What I think we forget is that the season of waiting isn't a season of nothingness.  It's a season of saving, storing, and preserving passion.  When my mom cries at the end of a romantic movie, it isn't because there is anything particularly moving about seeing two faces touch each other.  It is because of the context; it's because of all of the longing, waiting, and preparing that is finally culminating.  The power of it is not just based on the present; it's based on the past, too.
    People may think I'm missing out by waiting to kiss, but I don't think I'm missing out at all!  In fact, personally, I think those who don't set anything apart for their wedding nights are the ones who are missing out.  For them there is no grand finale, no ta-da, no feeling of "wow, here we are!"
    By waiting, you get the same thing, only with so much more power, meaning, and significance!  You get a wedding night just like any other couple, only with hearts that have been slowly seasoned by a build-up of aching, waiting, and hoping.  You'll have reached the exact same point, only with a legacy of love and longing leading up to it.

    Think long-term.  I would encourage you to take a moment to zoom out with me and look at the big picture.
    One day, I will probably be married to the girl who makes my socks roll up and down.  When that happens, suddenly everything will be allowed.  Everything we've been carefully guarding against will be permitted.  And as my bride -- the girl of my dreams -- is slowly walking toward me at our wedding, bearing a telling smile, and when I recall the things that we did and did not do, how am I going to feel?  What will I be happy I did?  What will I regret?
    And on our fortieth anniversary someday, when we look back on our wedding day and our wedding night, will we be happy then that we waited?  And when we talk to our future sons and daughters about purity someday, will we be proud or ashamed by our example?
    Have you ever heard of someone who regretted purity?  Have you ever seen someone look back longingly on his or her past, lamenting that he or she waited?  I never have.

    The number of days we aren't married are going to be dwarfed by the number of days we are married.  If a girl and I are going to be married, then this pre-marriage season is the only time of our life together when we won't be physically involved.  It may seem long at the time, but it's actually only the skin of the apple.  We should cherish this season, because this is the rare time.  This hands-off time is a brief, unrepeatable season -- like the small spot where the beach and the water meet, but there's an entire ocean after that.
    We're going to have plenty of time to kiss when we are married.  Heck, we can duck into a closet right after we walk back down the church aisle.  Once we're married, we can kiss until the cows come home.  See, a missed kiss isn't really a missed kiss; it's just a saved kiss.  And we'll have our whole lives to make it up.
    What a wonderful feeling it will someday be to realize that you've made it across the finish line.  That's it.  Case closed.  You're committed to each other for life.  You've declared it publicly.  There's no backing out now -- and of course who would want to!  You've waited, and now the waiting is over.  The bedroom door is locked behind you, and the only person with you is the person you are goofy-in-love with.  You're wedlocked together, and the key has been thrown away.

    Sometimes people think I'm strange for this idea.  They can't seem to understand my reasons, as if I must be slightly insane (this, I admit, is a possibility).  What is funny to me, though, is that my desires and goals for doing this aren't at all unnatural or unusual.  They aren't based out of an ultra-conservatism or some strange belief system.  Actually, my reasons are very common and mainstream.
    So many people have an ache in their hearts for the very same thing that I do.  I would bet that if you polled people about what they wanted most in life, most people would say that they want a stable, growing, lasting, passionate relationship with one right person.  So many people dream of and long for true love and commitment, for the love of their life, for knee-weakening romance, yet somehow those who are actually holding out and preparing for those things are sometimes considered extreme.  They long for the destination, but can't understand why some are on the journey.
    Really, I simply want to do it right.  A lover of steak will not settle for a microwaved hunk of raw meat.  He will want to slowly cook it, slowly marinate it, and season it just right.  He'll take the time to do it right, not because he is anti-steak, but because he is pro-steak!  How silly it would be for someone to say to him, "I see you're not eating microwaved steak.  What do you have against steak anyway?"  He loves and longs for steak so much that he knows it's worth it to take the time to prepare it just right.
    In the same way, kissing (et cetera!) looks pretty darn good to me.  Love, and what love will ultimately lead to, looks positively scrumptious.  And if a steak, which is quickly gone (especially considering how fast I eat), is worth waiting for, isn't lifelong love all the more worth waiting for?  Love, of all things, is not something to rush!  If anything is worth taking the time to do right, it is love.

    In closing, I want to reiterate that I do not look down on those who do not save kissing for marriage.  Most couples I know -- many who are tremendous examples of true commitment and purity, such as my parents -- kissed before they were married.  So I certainly do not mean to imply that kissing before marriage is wrong or somehow a second-rate way of doing things.  I also do not mean to draw lines between people based on what they have and haven't done in the past.  The focus of this idea is on the future, not the past, and I know if it was reserved only for those who are perfect, I'd quickly be disqualified!
    Also, although saving kissing seems to me like a great idea and an excellent default position for me to take, I realize that this is a decision that affects two people, not just me, so I will definitely want to discuss it with my future girlfriend.  I would certainly want any decision to save kissing (or to not save kissing) to be a decision that we happily and joyfully make together.  Whatever we decide, I would want it to be our decision, based out of hearts in love with God and with each other.

    What I hope you take away from this article, ironically, has nothing to do with my own personal idea about saving kissing, but about the beauty and importance of purity and waiting.  Wherever you draw the line, just remind yourself of these principles -- you are worth waiting for, your spouse is worth waiting for, sex is worth waiting for.  And just remind yourself of what you are likely to regret or appreciate in the long run.
    After all, the whole idea isn't to not kiss, and it isn't even to not have sex.  It is simply saving it for the right time and for the right person so that love can be at its loveliest.  It's not just a no; it is saving it all up for one big, bright, beaming, beautiful YES someday!
    I once heard it said that true love doesn't just wait; it plans.  Yes, physical passion is something to wait for, but don't just wait.  Excitedly hold out, save yourself, and start loving your love now, remembering not only that you are waiting but who it is and what it is you are waiting for.  Do it not out of duty, but out of uncontainable love, with a joy in your heart and a glint in your eye.
    Just you wait.

    Today is my twenty-first Valentine's Day.  It's hard to believe that I've been through so many!
    This holiday is notorious for hearts, both broken and non-broken.  Either way, it seems to make an impact.  Those who are in a relationship are expected to celebrate it; those who are single are inadvertently reminded that they are single.
    Valentine's Day may bother you if you're single.  It may make you feel like Charlie Brown.  Not that many years ago, it bothered me, too.  I have since asked myself, though, "Mark, just why does it bother you?"  I thought for a moment and then answered, "Well, because I'm single."  That's when the issue began to come into focus for me.  I wouldn't mind being reminded that I am single if I don't mind the fact that I am single.  The pangs I would feel on Valentine's Day were only little glimpses of the fact that I was not content with being single.
    In fact, now that I look back, it wasn't only that I was not content being single.  To an extent, I refused to be content being single.  I wanted very much to be married; that's what I felt like my "role" was supposed to be.  And through some distorted reasoning, I worried that if God saw me happy in my role as a single, perhaps I would make him think that all was well, and perhaps he'd make me stay single.
    Now that I think about it, I suppose it was almost an act of defiance as well.  I was convinced that, no, I was not supposed to be a single person, hence I would refuse to act like a happy one.  It was a little bit like a kid on a little league baseball team.  He wants to play shortstop -- that's where he's convinced that he's meant to play -- but instead the manager has him play in the outfield.  Pouting and grumbling, he goes out to the outfield and refuses to hustle, refuses to try, and is sure to let the manager know how unhappy he is where he is.  I'm a little ashamed to admit it, but that's an analogy of the way I acted with God.
    Finally, it dawned on me how foolish it was to refuse to be content.  I realized that there were only two possible scenarios for my life -- that I will be married or that I will not be married.  If I am going to be married someday, then I only have a limited number of single years remaining.  Let's say that I'll meet the right person in, oh, seven years.  Either way, I'll have to live for those seven years, so I might as well be content, joyful, and productive as I pass through them.  I might as well make them seven years that I will be proud of.
    And if I am never going to be married, then I will be single for the rest of my life.  That gives me all the more reason to learn to be content, joyful, and productive while single because I will never be anything but single!  In either situation, it would be foolish to refuse to be content.

    In these articles, I often talk about "the way I was," or how "I used to think this way," or that "I once was not content."  And that's true -- I have learned a lot, and I have come a long way.  But boy, can I still get antsy at times!  Even though I'm trying my hardest to be joyful and content while single, I still occasionally have to catch myself and remind myself to have patience and to wait.  Even after we've given it over to God, I think we all have "flare-ups" of impatience or restlessness now and then, especially on days such as Valentine's Day.
    Sometimes when I feel this way, I find it helpful to assign myself a little homework.  I challenge myself to come up with ten reasons I can appreciate being single today.  This isn't a way of crossing my arms and saying, "Hmmph!  Well, I didn't want to be married anyway!"  It simply means disciplining myself to be thankful for whatever my circumstances happen to be.  Besides, the objective fact is, like it or not, I am single.  So I might as well enjoy it.  I might as well live joyfully, because I'm living anyway.

    I am able to focus more on a one-on-one relationship with God.  Although I still keep busy now, it is probably easier to cultivate a personal relationship between me and God than it will be when I have a wife and family.

    I am able to give more time, attention, and affection to my family and my friends right now.  Once I have a wife and a family of my own, they will naturally become my primary focus.

    I have more time available to pursue my own hobbies and interests.  Although I try not to be self-focused now, I know that I have a unique luxury of being able to do what interests me if I have spare time.  I may not always be so free.

    On Valentine's Day, anniversaries, birthdays, et cetera, I am free of any obligations.  I'm sure it's a delight celebrating these things, but it also adds responsibilities and sometimes pressures.

    I am more free to do things with "the guys" such as going on road trips, staying up late playing games or just chatting, playing tennis, disc golf, et cetera.

    Right now, I primarily have to be concerned with only my issues, not the issues of two people.  My wife will have needs just like anyone else, and it will be my delight -- but also my duty -- to look out for her.

    I can wear the same shirt for twelve days straight if I want to.  (Er, I say this only theoretically, of course.)  I greatly look forward to sharing life with a woman, but with it will also come the responsibilities of always making sure that I'm pleasant to live with.

    I have more time to build up character and practical traits before having them tested by the challenges of having a wife and a family.  Had I been married sooner, I would have been far less prepared than now.

    I will appreciate the right person all the more because of the wait.  Had I met the right girl the moment I started liking girls, then I may have taken her for granted.  But because it has taken longer than I expected, because of the occasional ache of waiting, I know it will be easier for me to cherish her as much as she deserves when the time does come.

    It means that I have made it one more year, one more Valentine's Day, in saving myself for the right person.  It is one more bit of tangible proof of my love, one more piece of evidence of my commitment to the right one.

    That may be more than ten.  
    Anyway, the point still remains.  When I look at the exact same situation, but through the lens of gratitude, appreciation, and contentment, I realize that I have many reasons to feel blessed by being single.  Oh, it goes without saying that marriage has tremendous advantages, but the single life isn't without advantages also.  And instead of holding my happiness ransom until a certain dream of mine comes true, I need to appreciate the joys and good points of where I am right now.  Being content while being single does not mean that you are any less passionate or less excited about meeting the right person; rather, it is a choice to be appreciative and joyful even when that longing is not yet met.
    Like that little league kid I mentioned before, I need to sink my teeth into my position in the outfield while I'm there and stop moping that I'm not the shortstop.  Maybe there's a lesson I need to learn in the outfield.  Maybe it will help me appreciate the shortstop position more when I do play it.  Who knows, maybe I'm meant to always be an outfielder.

    It helps me to see it as a win-win situation.  If the wait is longer, then I get to continue enjoying the perks of being single longer.  If the wait is shorter, then I get to experience that amazing, heart-melting privilege of committing for life to one person sooner.  There will be perks and challenges to both, and I need to be careful not to always think the grass is greener on whichever side I'm not on.  Perhaps it's time to enjoy the greenness of the lawn right beneath my feet while I'm here.
    I have noticed that marriage does not cause either contentment or discontentment; it simply reveals whichever trait is already there.  Many married people long to be single; many single people long to be married.  Sadly, a person unable or unwilling to find joy and contentment as a single often will not find them in marriage either.  But the opposite is true as well.  A person who has learned to find joy and contentment as a single will often find them in even greater abundance in marriage.

    When I talk about learning to enjoy being single, I hope it doesn't sound like I'm knocking marriage.  Marriage is a wonderful, beautiful thing that we have every right to have a burning desire for.  In many ways it can be heavenly, but the fact remains that it is not heaven.  My future spouse may be godly and a real angel on earth, but she won't be God.  I can hardly wait until I meet the right person; I ache to find her sometimes.  I can't tell you how many times I've been out howling at the moon, lonely to talk to her, to be near her, to hold her.  She will complete me in ways no other human ever could.  But she will be a human, and not God.  And although she'll fulfill me in many ways, she will not be able to fulfill me the way only God can.
    So I would encourage you, on a day when you're most likely to feel discontentment if you're single, to find your joy in God.  Find your delight in him now, wherever you are.  Don't tie your contentment to something earthly, because nothing on earth is guaranteed.  There's no guarantee when, if ever, I'll be married.  There's no guarantee that I'll ever have kids.  There's no guarantee that I will live even one more year.  But there is a guarantee from God that -- marriage sooner or later, marriage or not, a long or a short life -- he is always there and he never changes.  He is good, and his plans are always good.  And knowing that, I can be perfectly content.

    The title of this article may give off the wrong impression.  This isn't meant to be a personal ad.  I am willing to wait for God to bring me and the right girl together.  The purpose of this article is not to advertise myself and to try to get potential wives to send in their résumés.
    Rather, this article is meant to, very simply put, let single ladies know what sorts of traits guys like me appreciate.  Your female friends or your parents may already encourage you to cultivate traits such as these, and I know their advice can be very helpful.  However, I realize that, as a single guy, I am in a unique position to speak to single ladies from a different perspective.  I can tell them straight from personal experience what guys with my priorities look for and appreciate.  Perhaps my advice will carry an extra degree of credibility, not because I'm especially smart or an expert, but simply because I am a guy, and a guy very much attracted to the fairer sex, which makes me perfectly qualified to tell you what sorts of things I look for.

    The most important thing I look for in a girl is a close relationship with God.  I pray she has an unconditional love of God.  I want her to be totally committed.  She cannot make the decision half-heartedly, wanting to keep her options open.  It has to be absolute, a desire to follow God regardless of anything else.  I want her heart to be completely surrendered to God and what his will is.
    The reason why this trait is by far the most important to me is that I know it will affect every other trait in her life.  It's sort of like the engine of a train.  If the engine is going in the right direction, then every other cart will naturally follow behind.  In the same way, if a girl's heart is going "full steam ahead" for God, then all of the other qualities I pray for seem to fall into place.
    I have been amazed to discover that I am sometimes able to tell whether a girl's heart is close to God without her telling me.  There often is an indescribable aura of steadiness and peace about her.  It can't be faked, and it can't be hidden.  Gals, the one of the best beauty tips I can give you is to get your heartbeat in tune with God's.  Love him fully.  Let his Spirit shine from your life.
  
    Outward appearance does have some value, but I don't want my future wife to be so focused on her looks that she neglects far more important attributes.  Wanting to look attractive is a very good goal, and I hope she takes that goal seriously, but I want her to be more than just eye candy.  Of course it's important to take care of yourself, to stay in shape, to try to look your best, but an over-emphasis on outward appearance usually means an under-emphasis on something more important.
    But while we are on the topic of outward appearance, let me briefly share what I find attractive.  Ironically, I find that the girls who are not attempting to attract guys by dressing scantily are actually more attractive.  Dressing skimpily may get more guys immediately interested in you, but only temporarily and for the wrong reasons.  Skimpy dressing actually becomes an obstacle in me being truly attracted to a girl.  If all I can see when I look at her is a body on display, it makes it much more difficult to even notice her personality, her heart, or what makes her different from every other girl.
    Let your physical attractiveness be a bonus, an extra gift to the man you marry.  Don't make it the main attraction, or else it will often be the main attraction, and often the only attraction.

    In my opinion, a contentment in God is one of the most desirable character traits in a girl.  I don't want to only be a crutch for my wife.  I don't want her to have been so desperate to find somebody that she came after me.  On the contrary, I want her to be so content with being single that I have to prove myself worthy of her time and attention.  I want to have to work hard to win her heart.  Of course I want the girl I marry to want to be married (especially to me!) but I also want her to learn to be content and happy both with and without a guy.
    What I really want to do is to catch my future wife in the very act of being herself.  I don't want her to be desperately looking for a guy, but rather to simply be contently and joyfully following God and living her life as a single person.  I don't want her focus to be on finding a guy.  Rather, I want us both to be so busy focusing on God that we forget to look where we're walking and we accidentally bump into each other.

    I want her to be herself.  To me, a well-developed and unique personality is what makes a girl truly distinctive and attractive.  I want to be able to recognize her without seeing her.  Don't be afraid to stand out.  Don't intentionally set yourself apart from the crowd, but don't be afraid to be the odd one either if that's how it lands.  I want her to be unafraid to be distinct and different.  See, I don't want to marry a generic "type" or of girl; I want to marry a girl that there is only one of in the whole world.  I want her to be irreplaceably unique.

    I pray that she is selfless.  I want her to have a servant's heart.  No, it's not that I want a servant.  See, one of the things I look forward to the most is serving my future wife, looking out for her needs, making her happiness my priority.  I want to be her servant, but I can't do that if she is already her own servant.  If she is so busy focusing on herself, it leaves little room or need for me to look out for her.
    Humbleness is a trait that seems to go hand-in-hand with this.  You've probably noticed how, when you see someone self-adoring or full of himself, you can't wait to see him taken down a peg.  You certainly don't want to praise him, because he already gets enough praise -- from himself!  But you may also have noticed how, when someone is humble and not trying to draw attention to himself, you can't wait to see him blessed, praised, and exalted.  That's why I want my future wife to be humble.  I want to be the one to discover how great she is.  I want to be the one to recognize her wonderfulness and be the one to applaud her for it.  I don't want to be simply echoing her own applause.
    Basically, I would like to see her so busy humbly serving others and thinking outside herself that she leaves a big void for me to fill.  The less concerned she is about serving herself, the more I can be.
    Selflessness and humbleness are such attractive traits in anybody, male and female, the young and the -- um -- ex-young.  I really hope that my future wife lives in such a way that people cannot help but want to serve her and praise her.

    Wastelessness.  I may have just made that word up.  Nevertheless, this is an important quality that I look for.  I want my wife to make the most out of what God has given her, even if it takes some effort.  I want her to strive to reach her potential.  Laziness and idleness, in my opinion, are very unattractive traits.  I definitely want her to know how to be still, to be calm, to relax, but I do not want her to be wasteful or a couch potato.
    Perhaps a better word for this would be industriousness.  I sometimes avoid this word because it brings to mind an image of a factory belching out smoke, which isn't the image most ladies are seeking.  Another good word would be resourcefulness.  Basically, I want my future wife to make the most out of all the resources she is given -- her time, her appearance, her personality -- and especially the resource that will be so precious to me -- herself.

    Gratitude, thankfulness, joy.  One of the biggest turnoffs for me is a consistent complainer -- someone who is never happy with what he or she has.  Joy, I have come to learn, is not so much a mood as it is a decision.  You choose to be joyful, you choose to be grateful, you choose to be thankful.
    Sometimes it will come automatically, and the joy and gratitude will just seem to spill from you.  The true test comes, though, when things don't go your way.  I have learned that it's not so much your circumstances that determine your happiness; it is your reaction to those circumstances.  The exact same thing may happen to two different people, yet one person is happy and the other is sour.
    Here's an example.  I know a girl who I'm sure can hardly wait to meet the right guy, but she's still single.  But rather than sitting around and moping about it, she is using the time.  She's touching lives, she's joyful and radiant, she's accomplishing things, she's investing time in other people, she's content, somehow everything she touches seems to turn to gold.  Not only is she better off because she has found a way to be happy and productive, but her attitude has made her so likable.  For her attitude alone, she's quite a catch.
    On the other hand, I have seen people who also can hardly wait to meet the right person, and they also are still single.  But they let this fact defeat and depress them.  They might complain, or feel sorry for themselves.  Or they might just waste time and sit in a cloud of gloom, refusing to be happy until the right person comes along.  Not only are they sad, but they make themselves very unlikable, which probably in turn makes them sadder.
    It's the exact same situation, but one outcome is a turn-off and the other is just plain beautiful.  Joy can be an endless cycle producing more joy, but self-pity can be an endless cycle producing more self-pity.
    I observe my mom.  With all the work involved in keeping a family of sixteen people running smoothly, I'm sure she has reason to gripe now and then.  She could complain about how challenging it can be or how many things she has to do, and she probably has earned the right to.  But she chooses to be cheerful.  She decides to be thankful.  I'll bet she's not always in the mood, but she makes up her mind to be joyful.  Not only does it make her happier, but it makes the family happier, and the cycle starts all over again.  It has kept her young and vibrant.

    Ladies, keep your standards high.  High standards in a girl make me want to straighten up and do all I can to achieve them.  I want her to raise her price tag.  I want a girl who brings out the best in me, who challenges me.  I want her standards to encourage me to work hard to somehow meet them; I want her standards to never let me be lazy or take her for granted.  When I see a girl with high standards, I can't help but have tremendous respect and admiration for her, even if I'm not specifically attracted to her.
    One thing that I find particularly attractive in ladies is when they aren't "available," per se.  They aren't available to anyone except their future husbands.  They are already taken, spoken for; they just don't know by whom yet.  I tip my hat to those ladies who find their delight in God and are unwilling to settle for anything less than his best for their lives.

    Above I have highlighted a handful of the traits that I find the most attractive in ladies.  But you know what?  When you're following God fully, I think you'll find that these things come naturally.  You don't have to print out a checklist to make sure you're developing the right traits.  Rather, if you're living for God, you'll automatically develop these things.  When you surrender your life to him, these things will grow in you.  Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.  And guess what?  These just so happen to be the things that many other guys and I find so attractive.
    Most of the girls who have really caught my attention in the past weren't straining to follow some complicated formula.  Most of them didn't have a flashy Christian résumé.  They didn't figure out some complex system or manage to untangle confusing doctrinal knots.  Instead, their hearts were simple, and simply in the right place.  They loved the right things, and the results were too lovely to ignore.  I can make as many lists as I want, but ultimately, if I had to sum up what I look for in one phrase, it would simply be:  a girl who loves God.

    I write this not to hasten the arrival of my future wife -- that will happen in God's perfect timing -- but to encourage those girls out there who are humbly and simply loving God and his principles.  Please stay rare.  You are a priceless treasure.  Keep serving God, please keep doing as you do.  I know for a fact that the right kinds of guys are longing, praying, pining for girls just like you, hoping that godly women like you still exist.
    I know that sometimes you may feel like you're the oddest person in the world.  You may feel so different, so unusual.  You may sometimes look at other people and cringe at how strange you must look compared to them.  You may occasionally get discouraged at how rare you are.  I want to encourage you that it is precisely because you are rare that the right guy will appreciate you so much.  Yes, it is true that you're uncommon.  But so are diamonds.